the glass half full...

all i can think is "time to put your money where your mouth is, leighanne."

i'm always saying i'm an optimist. a glass "half full" kind of gal. i look to the bright side, believe the best, etc.

well, i feel like a miserable failure lately. the girls are getting to that end-of-the-summer, haven't-had-to-be-good-for-anyone-else, staying-up-too-late, bratty obnoxious stage where at best they just completely ignore me and at worst, i get a battery of "worst mother in the world" comments and/or sighing like i've asked them to remove a limb rather than pick up their own garbage off the floor. idle (and not so idle) threats abound as does yelling and exasperation on my part. i just feel like giving up. why won't anyone be their best self for me? why do i get the worst of it all?

another thing, mike can calm mikey in an instant or put him to sleep within a minute or two. i get back arching and screaming and the latest...throwing a popsicle at me. i get "you hate me" "why do i always have to do everything?!?!" from the girls and "nothing" and/or "fine" from mike. this is the extent of my daily conversation and interaction from my family. from the people i love most. from the people i like the best.

see, the bright side is, that in a mother's heart, she knows that getting the worst of everyone is really a compliment. it means that everyone feels safe enough with me and loved enough by me to really let it all hang out. to treat me like dirt is really a very tangible way that (intellectually anyway) i can know that everyone really knows i love them around here.

hmpf. that's all i have to say about that.

i am just as guilty i know. i am hardly my best self at any given moment of the day. i complain. i yell. i get upset over little things. i don't always pull my weight. but seriously. am i the only one who can "prime the pump"? you've got to give to get, you should be loving to have someone act loving to you, as i always say to carmen, if you want people to treat you nicely, you need to be nice. but boy oh boy, am i pooped. just once i'd like someone to prime my pump and say "i love you" or "how was your day?" or "thanks for doing that" or "i'm proud of you" to me even if i'm not being perfect.

i guess the point is i'm demoralized. so, as they say, the beatings will continue until morale improves...

so, in the spirit of putting my money (or truthfully, lack thereof) where my mouth is on this optimism thing, i will attempt to boost my own morale.

i have an absolutely whirling dervish of domesticity for a stay-at-home dad/husband. he is never too tired to take out the garbage, mow the lawn, grocery shop, load the dishwasher, continue the neverending laundry, read a story, walk to the park, post a blog, make a healthy snack, provide information on how something in the world works, go to the library, let me sleep in on a saturday and/or tuesday, etc. he may not be bringing me flowers or writing me poems or stroking my hair or holding my hand, but he works himself to the bone with love for our whole family.

i have three beautiful, healthy girls and one delightful little boy. lately the girls seem more full of piss and vinegar, but more often than not they are as sweet as honey despite how i view the balance of piss, vinegar and honey at the moment.

maria is always there with a hug or to grab a diaper or the wipes, to get mikey out of the bath, to fix a bowl of cereal for isabel, to help clean up the basement, and is often volunteering to do other things like dust the pictures on the wall or trim the hedges (seriously, she's volunteered to do both of those things in the last two weeks!) sure, often times, i get the heavy sigh and pouty comments and there's never a shortage of dramatic fits of crying about how i don't really like her, but she does the work! she is also the most empathetic of souls and is always volunteering her stuff away to carmen or isabel or anyone else who might be feeling sad or bad or mad. she's always trying to talk people out of their upset and is just generally a good old fashioned NICE person.

carmen. hmmm, this will be a tough one. carmen is me as a little girl. i always remember mom and dad accusing me of being selfish. oh, how many times that has come out of my mouth toward carmen. especially when you've got someone like maria willing to give away her things just to put a smile on someone's face, it's tough to find the silver lining or good intention in carmen's out-for-herself-at-all-costs way of dealing with the world. but carmen is the first to surprise you with her tenderness and the last to claim credit for her acts of goodness. the other day she hugged grandma paula's elderly neighbor with no prompting and when mike asked her about it, she exclaimed "who told you!?!?!?" she also wrote this note of her own accord: "i leuck my dad bekeus he is nus and he kles up aer musis." (i like my dad because he is nice and cleans up our messes.) she refused to take credit for writing this note. she's no people pleaser. you can be sure that any act of kindness from carmen has a significant meaning. she is also the little girl who likes to sleep with me still and will entertain mikey in the mornings. i'm always surprised how her special love for mikey has not waned one bit since he's been born. she wrote in her kindergarten journal that the best present she ever got was "my baby brother" and every morning is still like christmas in her delight to see him and no matter what, she stops everything to give him hugs throughout the day...which is pretty special despite that fact that it usually ticks him off to be grabbed out of nowhere and attacked by his older sister.

isabel? well, she certainly saves her worst for me. she's a doll beyond belief for mike. as much as he loves all our girls, there is a very special daddy/daughter bond between mike and isabel. she's an angel for him. always pleasant and happy to do whatever he asks of her. she often stares right through me and acts as if she hasn't heard a word when i ask her to do something. well, the bright side of that is that she isn't throwing a temper tantrum, right? seriously, she *is* a delightful person. she has an awesome sense of humor and when she helps, she helps beyond her years. she folds laundry better than half the adults i know. often makes beds and just yesterday raked and cleaned up a bunch of brush in the front yard. she's also the best sport to go shopping with. content to just put everything "on her list" and save it for later. even after i promised her a baby set she had been coveting for a full year at least for being brave at the dentist (for four full visits and 3 root canals, 3 crowns and 9 fillings), she says to me in the store "i don't think you better get that for me. i think it's too expensive. it costs waaaay too much money i think." the perfect combination of delightful sprite and old soul. that's isabel.

in the midst of typing this blog, mikey has broken my favorite coffee mug. so, keep that in mind as i put on my smile and keeping blogging the "bright side" ok? it's really not that hard to do with mikey. yes, he has started giving me baby stink eye in the past few days and yes, he threw a popsicle at me yesterday in a fit of rage over who-knows-what i didn't get him out of the freezer/fridge (gummy vitamins i think) and yes, he kept me up 4 of the last 5 days by nursing at least every two hours if not every hour, but he's a baby. that's what babies do. they cry for what seems like no reason, they suck you (in my case literally) dry with their neediness and they keep you up at night. and they teach you the most important lesson in life if you're willing to learn it. how NOT to be selfish. how to get over yourself and give and give and give with nothing but smiles and giggles and the feel of soft baby skin in return (which admit it, *is* enough of a reward). how to keep on going even when you are completely exhausted. how to put up with someone who you do everything for who communicates to you in virtually nothing but complaints (that sometimes make no sense) and how to appreciate the simple things. like a nap. like a smile. like a belly laugh. like the delight in a small dog. the delight in how ice cream tastes. how running water is a miracle in life. how to dance in a silly way to a simple commercial jingle on the radio. all of my babies and kids have taught me this and more.

am i still selfish? certainly. to my own disadvantage. any glass left half empty is mine to pick up and wash and put away and get out again when for the 50th time in the day someone asks for another cup of juice and then proceeds to leave it wherever they finished it and then the baby picks it up and spills it. so then you have to clean the carpet and while you're cleaning up the spilled juice, the baby with no diaper on b/c you just wanted them to air out for a bit, proceeds to poop on the floor and then you've got to clean that and him up and he's complaining and trying to get away while you get the diaper on but then the second you're done, wants nothing but to be picked up and held so you're stuck cleaning the carpet with one hand and while you've literally got a handful of poo, a fight ensues in the next room and someone comes out crying and telling you some awful thing that one of the people you gave birth to did to them. and you say "are you on this earth to drive me crazy?!?!? can you not see i have poo in one hand and a baby in the other?!?!? what do you expect me to do?!?!? if she's that awful, tell her you're not going to play with her anymore." and you get the carpet cleaned up while taking the Lord's name in vain and then as soon as you're done, feel guilty for that so you put the baby in your lap, nurse him and try to slow down and say a Hail Mary in a feeble attempt at self-imposed penance to make up for your bad temper and when you get to the "fruit of your womb" one your own fruits asks for another juice cup...

that's the glass half empty. but every glass half empty is a glass half full. the fullness of life is the fact that you have four healthy children. that you have a house to get messed up and a million things that need to be picked up. that you have at least 20 different outfits to choose from every day, not only for you, but for your kids. that you have smiles and giggles and hugs and kisses and people surrounding you who have the ability to appreciate the simple things. like popsicles and juice. like how a simple scarf and pair of beads can make you feel glamourous. how exciting it is to talk on the phone. to have good friends and family to talk to. to have good friends and family who have furnished over half your house with their generosity.

the fullness of life is that even though you're missing these things at work all day, at least you have a job to go to. and it's a job you love with people you like. that while you're at work missing the half empty/full juice cups, you have a wonderful spouse who is doing an awesome job at being a parent and in many ways, putting you to shame in what a good homemaker he is...and hey, maybe that's part of your problem too, you know? are you a little jealous? are you a little demoralized because you let a lot of things go that he picks up? the glass half full is remembering that parenting and homemaking is a team sport and it's not competitive. you're on the same team! and you're blessed in having someone to help pick up the slack you're too tired to get to after being up all night and at work all day.

the fullness of life is all around you if you're willing to just pick up that half empty cup for the 50 billionth time and keep plugging away at all the things that need to be done in life...and do it with a smile. That's the key to the glass half full. A smile. So just smile already, stop typing and get to it girl!

Pep talk/Waxing Philosophical over. Time to get to it.